"No Man (or Women) is an Island"

My last blog post was incomplete. The part that needed more was the understanding of the four relationships. Though, even with making this more complete, it will ultimately still be incomplete. Only Always. There is always be more to be said. 

Let’s start with where I ended last time.

Remember I said there was 4 Relationships:

1) Women to Women 
2) Women to Men 
3) Men to Women
4) Men to Men.

I still believe there are these 4 types, but only two of them really matter. 

The other two are only symptoms.

The two that matter are the way Women see Men(2) and Men see Women(3).

There is an interdependence between the two.

The other two, Women to Women(1) and Men to Men(4), make it seem that women or men can have views of themselves independent of the way the opposite sex sees them or the way they see the opposite sex.

That is NOT true.

“No man is an island” and neither is “No woman.”

And, men are not an island, even collectively, and neither are women.

Most women’s help movements focus mostly on women to women problems (Ex: body image issues which can lead to eating disorders, etc.) and as I had suggested before in my last blog post, it’s time to extend it further.

BUT…

Instead of doing all four equally, I would now see it better to stop doing the 1st way, or at least not make it a priority (women to women) and not ever even start doing the 4th way, or if you do its not the focus (men to men), but focus mainly on the 2nd and 3rd ways (women to men and men to women).

That is the only way to solve either the problem with men or the problem with women. It’s not merely a problem with either side or both sides independently, but the interdependence between them. 

 How they see themselves is a fruit how they see each other.

The Solution to ALL Women's Problems Everywhere

So I just met with the director of the Women's Services and Resources(WSR) center at BYU and had some interesting thoughts, I thought I would write about.

First off, you’re probably wondering, “Why did you meet with someone from Women’s Services? You’re a man.”

Yes, you’re right. I am a man, but that doesn’t mean I can’t serve women. Maybe women’s services isn’t just about receiving service as a woman, but giving service to a woman.

I went in their wondering, “Why is there only a women’s services center and not a guys one?” I think the immediate answer most people would give is because women are often marginalized in our society more than men. So, it makes sense to have a place that they can receive special care and attention outside of the existing structures and institutions that are already in place. It is a place specifically for women.

But, just that it is for women, doesn’t mean that men can’t get involved too. In fact, I would argue that getting men involved is the best thing you could do for women. And men. It goes both ways.

Thinking about this takes looking back to our immediate assumption, that women are marginalized. It is good to help marginalized women, but who is marginalizing them? That’s the bigger question.

Going this one level deeper, some would argue that it is men that marginalize the women. And, that’s part of my point in saying that the solution to women’s problems is solving men’s problems too. But, only partly. It’s not just men’s problems either. It takes two to tango. And, four types of relationships or awarenesses (just made that word up).

Going with the tango idiom; if you are dancing, each partner(1,1) is aware of the other (2), and each partner(1,1) is aware of themselves (2).

(1 +1) + (1 + 1) = 2 + 2 = 4

This is similar to what happens in the relationships between men and women in society. Both have perceptions of the others (Men to Women & Women to Men) and both have perceptions of themselves (Women to Women & Men to Men).

1. Women to Women is how women view themselves
2. Women to Men is how women view men
3. Men to Women is how men view women
4. Men to Men is how men view themselves

If any one of these four are out of whack, it affects all the other ones.

If the Women’s Services and Resource Center is really going to get to the root of the problem, they need to figure out and implement a plan on how to address all of these 4 areas. Solving any one of them is dependent upon solving all the other of the them.

Currently, the Women's Services and Resource Center is mainly involved in the first one on the above list. Women helping Women. I came into the center as a Man wanting to help Women, but now have realized that to truly help, I am going to have to help myself first and help other men too in the way they view themselves and women. And, that I will also need to help women in the way they view themselves and men. And, ultimately, not just to help, but to be helped.

Sometimes the first way to start helping is to stop hurting.

This is why I decided to make a blog, and to start writing about this.

My hope is that one day we won’t need a Women’s Services and Resources center. My hope is that one day both men and women will be able to serve and be resources for each other and for themselves in society, but that this helping will not have to be embodied in an institution or in a center, but will be the culture. 

It will be the norm.